If you go down to the woods today, you had better wear a bullet proof vest. That is if you don’t want to be brutally savaged and maimed by the world’s naughtiest bear.
Poor old Naughty Bear is upset about not being invited to a birthday party, and even though he attempts to atone for his evil ways by presenting a birthday present to the guest of honour, he is still shunned by his fellow bears on the island of Paradise. Sick of being excluded and ridiculed for his naughtiness he decides to take action, encouraged by an evil voice in his head.
The beginning of each of the seven chapters in the world of Naughty Bear is introduced in a way that those who have ever been subjected to children’s television will be very familiar with. The patronising, yet tongue in cheek tone of the narrator will have you chuckling yet also questioning his sanity for actually encouraging Naughty Bear in his evil deeds, even giving him little hinters along the way.
The narrator is the one who will be scoring your level of naughtiness, and he doesn’t like to see the same thing over and over, so make sure to spice things up every now and then. There are a lot of different weapons scattered across the island, and it certainly pays to use as many of them as you can in as many different ways as possible.
There are multiple ways to exact revenge upon the bears of Paradise, and sometimes you don’t even have to lay a finger on them. Dotted around the island are various objects that can be tampered with in order to create traps to lure the bears into. Ranging from toilets to telephones, boats to cars, there are quite a few different ways to terrorise the cuddly creatures. Cars, telephones and boats can be tampered with in order to stop the bears from calling for help, but you can also kill them with these appliances. You can bash their face with a car door, electrocute them with the telephone wires or curb stomp them on the boat dock but it can all get a bit samey.
Due to there being a limited amount of areas that you can wreak havoc across, once you have done one level, you have pretty much done them all. It’s easy to memorise where traps are, how to reach them and the best tactics for causing complete chaos. To add some variety to the game play though there are different levels within each chapter that contains new and different challenges. These include friendly challenges where you are not allowed to harm any of the bears with your fists or a weapon, insanity challenges where you must drive all the bears insane to the point of suicide, and quiet challenges where you must avoid being seen. None of these are particularly easy, but they do add variety to otherwise monotonous game play.
To boost your chances in specific levels, you will collect hats that boost over all statistics. Some will make you faster, some will make you stronger and you will gain them all through the completion of a chapter or a specific challenge requirement. Collect as many of these hats as you can in order to progress and destroy all those who have wronged you.
Naughty Bear isn’t as fun or sadistic as some might have hoped which lets it down quite a bit. It’s all still a little bit too cutesy and there is no blood shed here, only stuffing flying across the screen so it’s no Conkers Bad Fur Day. However if the idea of beating, shooting and slicing up fluffy bears is appealing to you, first of all you should seek medical help, and second of all you should pick up this game for a reasonable price to soothe your urges and satisfy your sadistic teddy killing cravings.